I’m a great admirer of Harry Shearer’s work on Le Show. I hope he will forgive me for borrowing the title of his copyrighted feature.

I was stopped by airport security today for attempting to bring a six-ounce tube of toothpaste through the security screening at O’Hare. Having not flown for a few months, I wasn’t schooled on the intricacies of liquid and paste regulations for domestic flights. I had not placed my shampoo, conditioner, and bug repellant in a clear, quart-size bag for the screening. It should be pointed out that neither the TSA nor my airline (United) will provide quart-size bags for this purpose. This regulation appears to be for the sole benefit of the quart-size bag manufacturing industry.

Lacking the aforementioned bag, I was presented with two options: I could throw everything away or go to the United counter and check my bag. Not wanting to dispose of and repurchase everything in my ditty bag, I chose the former. A portly TSA rep carried the offending tube of Polident in her latex-gloved hands, and escorted me through a little-used exit in the United Terminal.

Upon reaching the checkin counter, I was informed by the agent that it was too close to departure time for me to check my bags. I was left with no choice but to purge my bags of any cosmetics that jeopardized national security. I dumped everything into a dustbin by the arrival and departure display, took off my belt and shoes, and queued to subject myself to another security screening.

My bag was pulled off for for a special inspection again. My deoderant stick was scrutinized and judged not be be a threat to the free world. Despite having accidentally left a bottle of shampoo in my bag (which was not discovered by the enterprising TSA rep), I was cleared to catch my flight.

When I sat down in my seat, something in my left pocket poked my leg. It was the pocket knife I had accidentally left on my keychain, undetected by both screenings.

Today’s threat level is orange.